Today was a strange day.
The universe really has served me up a weird one. Totes emosh and absolutely not the most positive day I’ve ever had.
But then I forced myself to go to a new yoga class, even though my wrist wasn’t feeling up to it and all I actually wanted to do was go home and shovel sugar into my face [this never ends well].
I took control of my ego and I took myself to class, to practice, to that mat, in that room filled with sunlight and other women. I told my wrist to pipe down and I filled my lungs with breath. I connected with my mat and my new yoga teacher was a dream.
Now, when I say she was a dream, what I mean precisely is that she is my dream. You know that story you tell yourself – “If I had a do-over I would go back to age [insert appropriate number for your own story] and I would do [a whole bunch of stuff] differently.”
She is 19 and she is so yogic. My goodness. Her soul just positively oozes yoga and spirituality and enlightenment.
She is 19. Did I mention that?
So she’s talking to me in that way that people do when they’re really the Universe talking straight at you after you’ve had a strange day and it needs to tell you something. She’s telling me about her travels and her yoga and we speak about how you can do whatever you want with your life and how she thinks I am brave for starting over and how it’s exactly the right thing to do when you’re not happy [did I mention she’s 19?] and how I can do exactly what I want with my life by just doing it. She tells me this with such conviction and with no knowledge of my skills or anything.
I say “I want to travel the world working from my laptop and become a digital nomad” and her head comes forward with enthusiasm and she tells me, right into my heart, that I can do it, I just have to want it.
Now, I know I mentioned she’s 19, but this is significant to me. When I was 19 the world was mine for the taking. 19 was my favourite age I have ever been so far. [Until 29. I have a feeling my ten year anniversary with my own favourite version of myself might actually trump the 19yo me. Watch this space. [Side note: I’m currently 28.]] But I wasn’t present enough and I went off on the wrong path [not like drugs and drama, just like wrong for me] and I just kept following it down down down, until I woke up one morning in January 2016, 27 years old and no idea how I got there.
When I look back on my life, 19 is where it all started, and half of it finished. I made several decisions at 19 that I can still recount today, that had I made a different choice, my life would be changed forever.
I look back with rose tinted lenses and absolute love in my heart for that girl. I was the complete example of youth and optimism, beauty and abundance. And I just didn’t fucking realise it. [So obviously I wasn’t a ‘complete’ anything as I had no clarity, but let’s not ruin this with over analysing it. The point is the rose tinted part!]
So when this 19yo yogic goddess who just rolled in off the plane from travelling the world, who did her yoga teacher training in India [insert achy heart – India is top of my travel list] tells ME, [28yo, still overweight, carrying much metaphorical baggage and still learning how to live in love every single day] tells ME that I can do it, that I absolutely can, I hear 19yo me. I hear 19yo me fresh off the plane from Australia rolling in on the air of freedom and saying YES YOU CAN!
[The fact that I chose not to get on that plane to Australia in the first place… Well. What can I say.]
So while I am clearly still harbouring some regret [but mostly coveting having MY 19yo body back that I so took for granted, that bent and flexed all over the place] it fills my heart to know that YES I CAN. And that actually, having made those bad choices in my 20s, maybe, just maybe, my 30s are going to rock a million times more than I ever dreamed of.
So while I am not 19 forever [as that very poignant song goes – that came out when I was 20, trust me the irony hasn’t escaped my notice] I am now pulling myself together, and although things change, I’m about to live the best decade I have ever lived.
If you don’t know the song, you can listen to it here:
And all this, from a 5 minute conversation before a much needed yoga practice on a tragic weekday.
Thank you Universe. You really know how to serve up some crackers.