Overwhelm and Failure

Overwhelm and Failure

Hello lovely!

How was your first week of 2018?

Back to normal life after Christmas holidays – I struggled!

Tuesday was fine as the first day back, I bounced into the office – still snotty and coughing, but bright. However, Wednesday morning I woke up at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep. My head was full of all the stuff I needed to get done and I could feel the overwhelm creeping back in already.

I’d been back at work for one day and already I was losing sleep.

So what did I do about it?

I wrote a list.

At 5.30am I finally gave up trying to go back to sleep and I emailed myself a to-do list. I felt instantly better. I honestly think that writing stuff down is some sort of magic. I really recommend it.

I then realised that while I felt better about that, I still had two things booked in the evening after work – Personal Training (PT) and dinner with an old school friend. And as I scanned across my week I realised I had something booked in for every day. Why was I doing this again after just days previously making a commitment to myself to NOT do it again?

A lightbulb went on in my head and I realised that I could just do PT once a week, instead of twice, and that I was the only person making myself do all of this stuff, and I was responsible for my overwhelm, and therefore I had the power to change it.

Well, duh!

So I sent a message telling my PT, explaining that I was changing my schedule due to overwhelm, and unsurprisingly I felt instantly better.

In the time between 5.30am and 7am I had made space in my life to breathe, and balance was restored. Of course by then it was time to get up for work, so I never got my sleep back. But I did increase my sense of peace!

And not only did that to-do list help at that moment before the sun came up, it also made me more productive this week and I’ve checked off most of the things on that list.

Write stuff down. It is magic!

So my productivity soared and my schedule looked more balanced. But on Thursday morning I was mardy. At first I couldn’t really fathom why. Then I remembered…

Quitting sugar makes you mardy around day 3 or 4. I had withdrawal. Marvellous.

Usually when I get this feeling I’ll reach for the Diet Coke, but as I quit that as well, I had to think of something else to pick me up.

So I cheated.

For me, giving up sugar means giving up refined sugar – that white granulated substance that messes with your brain and takes over your body. Natural sugar like fruit and honey are not forbidden, however, they are also not to be abused.

But on Thursday, I needed something sweet. So I bought a bottle of Innocent Orange and Mango fruit juice. Oh. My. Word. That stuff is so good. The only ingredients are orange and mango. But it is FULL OF SUGAR!

I felt like such a cheater. Like I was weak and I had failed.

Also – full disclosure and confession – I drank the whole bottle in one day. Yep. So much for pacing myself eh.

I spent a while battling with myself in my head – one second I was a failure, the next I was justifying it as vitamins and fruit juice. I spoke to a couple of people about my feelings of guilt and shame, and I tried to process it.

Yes. I am still talking about fruit juice.

I know. I’m insane, right?

But I bet you do exactly the same thing to yourself when you eat something you know you shouldn’t. We all do.

But the point is, I woke up today and I am ok. In fact, I feel pretty good. Life goes on. No one thinks less of me. And, best of all, the fruit juice didn’t give me a sugar hangover like chocolate or sweets would have. Winning.

But this is what happens when I set goals, like my list of things to quit. I am so single minded about it that when I deviate from the narrow path I prescribe for myself [with fruit juice overdose *eye roll*] my self talk gets crazy and I forget the bigger picture.

I am like it with everything. It is a double edged sword – my single minded determination means I often succeed in ways that defy expectation, but it also means that sometimes I lose track of my self talk and I get all mean girl up in my own head.

I just wanted you to know, that while I am all love and light, I still relapse on the regular.

However, I have been exceptionally well behaved on my Facebook and Instagram ban, and no Diet Coke, and no alcohol [which isn’t that hard for me in everyday life tbf]. So I’ve been victorious all over the place. Which is worth celebrating!

What have been your personal victories this week?

Big love and bright light, Sian xxx

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Caedi

2019-05-13T12:58:41+00:00

Caedi

I think reading your posts get me through my week! You’re amazing!!
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2019-05-13T13:00:17+00:00

Cleo

You offer me daily guidance, and you’re the one person that I would always want to consult in any situation I get into. And I couldn’t think of anyone more perfectly placed, that’s put more effort into understanding all of this [life] than you.
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2019-05-13T13:00:58+00:00

Sam

I’ve been struggling today with my mood and emotions [...] and reading this put it into perspective. So thank you, I really did need this!

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