So as I previously mentioned, I went for a food intolerance test today.

For a while now, I have experienced a rather displeased digestive system. Now my close friends have a detailed run down of what that means and very specific descriptions of the pivotal role the bathroom has had to play in my life over the last few years. I shall spare you those details. We don’t know each other well enough for that. But you get the idea.

The GP prescribed me some medication, though after a while I really felt there was probably a better way to resolve this than shoving pills down my throat. So following a recommendation from a friend, I visited Lin Clarke. She runs the Horley Allergy, Nutrition and Biochemistry Screening Clinic. I rocked up feeling rather excited to finally know what on earth I was eating to displease my tummy so.

After a bit of an explanation that I will not do justice in repeating, I held a metal baton in my right hand, and Lin found a connection in my left thumb, and the testing began. It was rather amazing to be honest, and I would recommend it to anyone who thought there was something a bit off with their body. We ran through every part of my body, from my right ventricle to my pancreas. It was a little unnerving to at times; I suppose there is always the possibility of running into something you didn’t know was wrong. But overall it was painless and eye opening.

I was convinced my body hated cheese. Now, as a pescetarian (a vegetarian who eats fish (known to vegetarians as a cheater, known to omnivores as a vegetarian)) cheese is a staple. Cheese goes on everything, from chips to salad (yes, I know). If you go out to eat, chances are that the veggie option has cheese on it, in it, surrounding it… Cheese. So I was sat there really hoping I wasn’t about to have cheese taken away from me. I was also hoping that mushrooms would not be a problem as I pretty much put mushrooms in everything. I was prepared for wheat – a lot of places replace wheat now and I could deal with that quite easily. What I was not prepared for was sugar.

I have always had a sweet tooth. When I was little I would climb on a chair when my parents weren’t looking and eat sugar from the sugar pot with a spoon (one of my finer moments). My Dad caught me a few times (stealthiness was never one of my greater attributes) and he warned me that I would get diabetes if I kept eating sugar out of the pot. Well Daddy, turns out, I got myself an allergy instead. [I’ll be honest here, I don’t know if it is an allergy or an intolerance, but there are times when the effect of exaggeration outweighs the need for factual accuracy.]

So naturally, I came away with a list of wheat alternatives and sugar substitutes, drove down to Waitrose and bought a packet of dark chocolate giant cookies and a tuna sandwich. Forced myself to eat TWO cookies and like it as this would be the last time I would be eating cookies, and gobbled down a sandwich for good measure.

Tomorrow I will be better.