I am struggling.
I’m sick for the second time in as many months. Seasonal germs. Got me real good. I can’t go to the gym. I can’t socialise. I can’t go out dancing. I’ve been at home and mostly alone for four days. I went out for a walk today and it was amazing, but it did make me realise I am still ill…
And I am lonely.
I think this is the first time I’ve been ill where I haven’t had several people rally around after me. And what I really mean by that, is men. My mumma has fed me, my friends have offered to get me supplies, but what I really need is cuddles, and affection, and intimate conversation.
I lost my voice for a couple of days. It still doesn’t quite work right.
And I’m lonely.
I’ve spent all year trying to learn how to fall in love again.
It’s been rough. At times it’s been really rough. Bedroom floor, full moon howling with a bottle of spirits and a blanket kinda rough. (I’ve never in my life done that before. All the trauma I have endured and I got floored by some guy on a full moon and I drank alone for the first time at 30yo).
What is this life.
I started dating again in February this year. And to be completely honest I’ve gone through men like kleenex. Most of them didn’t make me cry. But all of them held up a mirror for me to confront myself in. All of them taught me something profoundly important about myself, about how I love, about how I win and how I lose, and about what I am searching for.
I fell in love over and over again, and most of the time by the third date I was over it. I have been on a two week rotation for most of the year – but each time I learnt something new. I stepped a little closer to myself, and I uncovered little pieces of me that I’d lost along the way.
“I love listening to your boy drama babe, because you’re so self critical. You always wind up the story with an analysis of where you were and where you got to through this experience.”
My friends have endured countless tails and ever evolving soap operas. They couldn’t tell you their names (except H, she could probably tell you every single name, and their star sign. She’s incredible.) But they could probably tell you how much I’ve grown over the past few months. How my bounce back rate is better than ever, and how I pull it together every single time.
I deleted all the apps a few months back. And yet somehow the Universe has continued to throw me two week rotations ever since. Quite remarkable to be honest. I haven’t been short of a soap opera or three since ditching the digital dating. But shit’s getting real now.
It’s Christmas. My least favourite (which surprises everyone because I am all glitter and magic, I know. But…) Christmas is intense. It always throws up heartache for me. It shines a light on what I am lacking. I don’t do well in these dark months.
And since I am ill, and it’s Christmas, my two week rotations are drying up. And my 12 month reflections are starting.
“You don’t really want a boyfriend do you, Sian?”
(Astute observation as ever, babe.)
You know, this is partly true. I don’t want to settle. I don’t want the usual 2.4 kids and a semi in suburbia lifestyle. I don’t want the white horse and carriage fairytale wedding. I want to build a life less ordinary. I have unusually high expectations of my life. Which means, I have trouble finding a good match.
I am not wife material. I am wild and free spirited. I am a daydream believer and I cannot live the same day over and over again for sustained periods of time. It sucks the life out of me. I need someone who sees the magic in the world. I look at a flock of birds, wet from the rain, glistening in the winter sun, and I see glitter. I watch the light hit the ocean and dance on the waves and I see mermaids.
Show me a man who wants to build a life with someone like that. Who wants to create a place that welcomes difference and only speaks love. Who wants to build a family instead of birth one. Who has so much love to give that containing it within the standard format just does not work.
I do want a boyfriend. But I wont settle for less than that. Because in the long run, we’ll both suffer.
To be honest with you, until very recently I didn’t think men like that existed. And really honestly, there’s part of me that still doesn’t.
I still have a lot to learn about myself and love before I find the right person. But being sick by yourself on a Sunday night in December is still lonely. And even when you know you’re not ordinary, sometimes you just need ordinary Sunday snuggles, in an ordinary t-shirt and an ordinary blanket.
I’m never getting sick again.